The most effective group format for Christ-centered manhood training is one that is dedicated just for that purpose. Building such a program from ground up is a significant commitment, but there are those of you prepared to take on such a commitment.
So, for those ready to give your sons dedicated manhood training, let’s take a look at the necessary elements of a workable small group program and discover how each can fit you and your specific circumstances.
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A GROUP ROSTER
First, invite a few others to join you and make a roster of names. You’d probably like your best friends involved, specifically those with sons. As I hinted once before, your son’s friends and their dads are obvious choices as well. Among these men, you’d like at least one other man biblically grounded and spiritually mature. As a side benefit to your vision for the boys, you may consider a father in need of mentorship himself; one struggling in his faith, in his manhood, or in his role as mentor to his son. Finally, reach out to one or two fatherless boys. I can’t say enough about the need in this area.
As I have taught on the subject of mentoring boys, single moms are always among those interested in the subject. In each and every case, these moms find an opportunity to pull me aside and share their story. Tears well up in every one of these conversations. I have discovered that their interest is not so much in what they can do for their boys, but where to find men to step in on behalf of the missing father.
So what size is right for your group? That’s where individual needs and circumstances come in. Are you fired up to reach as many boys as you can? Go for it! Invited 10 or 12 boys plus any men involved in the lives of these boys. Would you prefer a smaller, more intimate group: you, your best friend and your two sons? Fine. But don’t forget your son’s best friend and his dad. And I’ll bet by now you’ve got a fatherless boy’s name in mind. I’ve brought that up enough times; I’m sure you’ve thought of at least one in your circle of influence. So don’t leave him out.
A GROUP NAME
Next, give your group a name. If you’d like to pick a name on your own, that’s your prerogative. That’s what I did. I had been inspired by the knighthood theme so much, with Robert Lewis’ “Modern-Day Knight,” the Armor of God scriptures of Ephesians 6 and my son’s rite of passage sword, I chose the title given an apprentice for knighthood. He was called a squire.
A squire of the medieval period started his training at the age of thirteen. During the 5+ years of training, he had to prove himself a gentleman, a disciple of God, as well as a superior warrior. Then, when the king dubbed him a knight, all the people knew what he stood for, what his purpose was and who he served.
I have even adopted this time-line for our mentoring plan. We started the group when the boys were about thirteen years old. We are committed to keep the group together and continue the formalized training until all the boys leave home (around high school graduation and about eighteen years old). This is 5+ year commitment.
If you’d rather, you can wait to choose a group name until your first meeting and allow the guys to be involved in selecting a group name. This may help ensure the unity necessary for such a group.
SCHEDULE
The next planning issue for a mentoring group: decide on a routine schedule. Give everybody a schedule they can mark on their calendars and plan for. This will help keep other activities from bumping your group meetings out of their busy schedules (Not completely, but it will help). Decide also how often you’ll meet. Weekly would be ideal. But good luck fitting a weekly mentoring group into the array of school, athletic and other extra curricular activities that help kids get into colleges and earn scholarships. It’s hard to compete with them. I have settled with a monthly meeting on the Sunday afternoon of every first full weekend of each month. We meet for about five hours in the afternoon after church and have committed to this schedule until the boys leave home some day. You should decide ahead of time how long you plan on meeting together. You may decide to initially commit to a year or even three months at a time, then reassess as you go.
MEETING PLACE
There is no limit to the variation for this part of your plan. You can meet at homes, churches, schoolyards, parks, gyms, ranches or other private acreage. When Steve Chapman offers 10 Things I Want My Son to Know in his book by that name, he suggests, “From the backyard with little children to the remote mountains of faraway places with young adults, God’s creation is an incredible way to inform kids about their Maker.”
Another element to add to your location – a campfire. Jeremy V. Jones shares this in an article titled Bonding in the Backcountry: “There’s nothing quite like a campfire to get men talking. Starring into glowing embers beneath a canopy of stars has a way of moving a man’s soul beyond the mundane and onto the ultimate issues of life. Even the most tight-lipped male may find himself steeped in discussion deep into the night.”
Our Squires group meets at a 16 acre private home with open country surrounding the property. We have open fields, thick woods, a wet weather creek and a spot for a large campfire. I understand this option is not available to everyone. However, I have found that the more people I share our mentoring story with, the more resources are offered to me to use for this wonderful cause. Talk around and you may be surprised at what people may offer. God can provide.
A FORMAL COMMITMENT
This is the last, but possibly the most important element of the plan. As much as possible, every individual, from youth to adult, must make a formal pledge to stay committed to the group and to the vision. Inform the single moms of the level of commitment you are making to her son and the commitment you expect from him (and her). Specifically ask her to help her son stay the course. Consider putting this pledge in writing and expecting all participants to sign. Periodic reminders will be required to help keep the commitment level up.
Keep in mind, not all are likely to persevere. So much of our culture draws us into a harried schedule; many scheduling conflicts will arise for most involved. Often, we are so distracted with life’s activities; many plans get forgotten – left off the calendar. Lack of organization skills may also be the culprit for the absence of many.
There are some creative ways to help your fellow mentors and squires stay committed. I have found periodic phone contact to be most effective. This works well for a small group. For larger groups, email reminders may prove to be effective, although many do not have or check email. RSVPs are helpful; you know who plans on coming or not. You also know by a lack of response, which members could use a special call as a reminder and encouragement. You can encourage the adult men to stay involved just by telling them how much you appreciate their participation. Finally, some of the young men may become disinterested and pull away from their commitment to the group. If you continue to reach out to these youth, even when they seem disinterested, you may be the one they turn to when they need someone down the road. Perseverance is key.
EXECUTING THE PLAN
The first issue – who’s in charge? Well, you’re probably the guy initiating this whole thing; so, I guess that’s you. But I’ll tell you what, you might consider calling yourself “the facilitator” and expect the other men to take turns planning, leading and teaching. I really think this shared leadership by the men would communicate to the boys that all of the men are in this together; each with a vested interest; each with a bit of wisdom and experience to offer. If you share the leadership burden, a monthly routine would require each of you to plan, lead and teach three or four times a year, depending on the number of men involved and the frequency of meeting.
ACTIVITIES
Each meeting should include a planned activity that will bond men and boys together. The boys will look forward to the meetings; eager to rough it up and get dirty, compete and take risks, and most important, bond as men. For Boy Scout meetings and team sport practices, this activity is already built in to the program.
In a conversation I had with Robert Lewis, I shared this activity element of our Squires mentoring plan. He responded by highlighting a need for these kinds of common experiences between father and son, mentor and protégé. He explained how these common experiences create memories that burn the manhood lessons into their long-term memory. They never forget the vision born out of these experiences.
Click here for “Guy Kinda Fun” activities.
SET OF IDEALS
A well-defined set of ideals is very important. It gives direction to your mentoring plan, it facilitates moment-by-moment teaching and it defines day-to-day behavior. Your group’s set of ideals (code of conduct, character traits, masculine roles; whatever you want to call them) will be your group’s foundation. This is the missing element for Christ-centered manhood training needed in our team sports programs, Youth Groups, and even the Boy Scouts. It will set parameters, establish expectations, define roles, create a common language, and guide you and your boys together.
Where will you get this foundational element for your group? While there are endless resources for this, God’s Word must be the rock that gives your set of ideals proper Biblical perspective.
SQUIRES TEACHING TOPICS
As I pursued a deliberate training plan, three Bible verses seemed to emerge as comprehensive references. Combined, they covered all of the relevant manhood roles and responsibilities offered by numerous books and authors. From these three scriptures I call Knighthood Verses, I derived a list of twelve teaching topics, or character traits, as our “set of ideals.” The beauty of this plan is found in the direct reference to scripture memorization. Some wise or experienced man didn’t compile the verbiage of this list; it is directly from God’s Word.
LUKE 2:52
Our first verse is often used for motivating teenagers to engage in their Christian faith. Luke 2:52 wraps up a story about the boy, Jesus. But it also introduces a subsequent chapter in His life. “And Jesus grew in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and men.” It is the growth during His teen years that makes this verse relevant to mentoring our boys.
The relevance and its implication for teens today actually centers on two facts. First, verse 42 states that Jesus was twelve years old at the time of this story. As we’ve seen, this is a great age to prepare our son’s rite of passage and begin his formal manhood training. Second, the specific growth described in this passage sets the stage for Jesus’ ministry. God had a specific plan for His Son and prepared Him through this growth. And God has a plan for your son, too.
Drawing from the specifics of Luke 2:52, we have four teaching topics. I consider these four attributes to be “the fundamentals” of growing up as a Christian. We must teach our son wisdom from above. We must further his stature through proper diet and physical activity. We must promote his faith in Jesus and his walk with God, helping him grow in favor with God. And we must teach him to relate properly with people in order to gain favor with men – to God’s glory, not his own.
1 CORINTHIANS 16:13-14
The second verse offers a more advanced approach to your son’s maturing process. With three powerful words buried right in the middle, this passage also offers a central theme for mentorship into manhood – act like men. 1 Corinthians 16:13-14 (adopted from NIV and NASB): “Be on your guard, stand firm in the faith, act like men; be strong. Do everything in love.” At first glance, you might see five teaching topics. I’ll point out a sixth.
Be on your guard; powerful advice for facing temptations from the world, from Satan and from your “own evil desire” (James 1:14). Stand firm in the faith; the ongoing life of discipleship and servant-hood to God. Act like men; our central theme. From this we address our roles and responsibilities as disciple, servant, husband, father, patriarch, spiritual leader, servant leader, provider and protector. Be strong; a masculine trait for blessing the women and children in our lives. Do everything in love; the hidden topic “Do” - offering an exhortation to be doers – proactive rather than passive or reactive. “Everything in love” sums up the law; love the Lord and love your neighbor (and even love your enemy).
1 CORINTHIANS 15:49
Each believer must grasp the contradicting realities of his identity in the world and his identity in Christ. From this understanding comes a “walk by the Spirit” that is released from the burden of works-based faith. “Just as we have borne the likeness of the earthly man, so shall we bear the likeness of the man from heaven.” While the gospel story tells of our justification through faith in Jesus Christ, the rest of the story tells of our faith-based longing for the nature and character of God; Christ-likeness.
TEACHING TOOLS
Once you have established a set of ideals, memorize them. Help and encourage all involved to do the same, men and boys alike. With your set of ideals, you will have a common reference for guiding your boys toward biblical manhood.
In an interview with Robert Lewis, he referred to this use of manhood reference words as a “common language.” These are words generally not in the normal vocabulary of young men, words like manhood, spiritual leader, wisdom, and courage. Wait a minute … these are words generally not in the vocabulary of today’s older men, either. But once you have developed a common manhood language with your sons, mentoring can happen with hardly an effort or thought. Even the vision of Christ-centered manhood becomes ingrained in the boys through the routine use of your new language. The common language used by the boys and men in my Squires group is drawn directly from the three verses described above as well as from the expanded explanations I have offered our group. You will find these expanded explanations in Chapters 6 through 8.
With your new common language, you can plan group discussions covering the topics in your set of ideals. You can instruct your son with purpose. You can teach with authority ... and in your teaching you can “show integrity, seriousness and soundness in speech that cannot be condemned…” (Titus 2:8).
Squires2Knights Ministries is creating resources for group mentorship, offering free references ideal for group devotions or six-week courses in Christ-centered manhood. They are formatted for use in virtually any small group of young men and are specifically designed for teenagers.
For mentoring group resources, -click here-
Look to the future for a devotional book for teen boys titled A Squire’s Devotional on www.SquiresToKnights.com. In addition, my son and I are co-writing a book teaching Christ-centered manhood. It will present the lessons as I have taught them to him as well as his perspective on the learning process.
RESPECT
A final point for the group mentoring method: It is paramount that proper behavior expectations be made absolutely clear. Respect from the boys must be established from the get go. A line should be drawn, defining acceptable behavior, establishing authority, and promoting respect for property. This line should define black from white, no gray area. These expectations should be accompanied by realistic consequences for noncompliance - consequences to be carried out with consistency.
Servant-hood should be the name of the game. Remember, “love” sums up the law and is the central theme for behavior expectations. If these behavior boundaries are established early and enforced consistently, every aspect of your group mentoring effort will benefit. The boys don’t consciously know this, but they want these boundaries and want to know that someone is in charge.
Young men, in the same way be submissive to those who are older.
1 Peter 5:5
If you’re going to demand respect, you must first command respect. There’s a big difference. Commanding respect is different than ordering someone to respect you. It means you must act in a manner deserving respect. Sam Mehaffie offers this reality:
Even though they may not act like it, kids today are very teachable. They want advice and guidance, but they will not listen to just anyone; they will only listen to someone they respect. We need to be the men whom our boys look up to and respect; otherwise we will not be able to reach them. It is the only way boys can be discipled by us to become the men God intended them to be. (italics mine)
One final point, by Josh McDowell, with regard to respect. “One of the keys to becoming a father who is worthy of respect is being a father who shows respect, just as God the Father not only commands respect but shows it to us as well.”
SOMETHING IN COMMON
Often, the roadblock for relationship between the generations is described this way: “We have nothing in common.” Robert Lewis shared with me three words that help me describe the solution to this problem: experience, language, and vision. When I put the word common in front of those three words, I have the perfect explanation for how and why the group-mentoring plan works so well. Create common experiences, a common language, and a common vision for Christ-centered manhood - men and boys alike will discover together God’s plan for them. As John Eldredge shares, “We need a process, a journey, an epic story of many experiences woven together, building upon one another in a progression.”
KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR
Imagine a beautiful maiden waiting for her knight in shining armor. She longs for a man of courage and integrity, a true gentleman, a Godly man. One who has persevered as a squire, now fully trained as a knight.
Does this young man exist only in fairy tales? No … he is real, he is relevant, he is our future. And he is in your hands today.
Commit to God’s plan, to time-honored tradition, to mentorship. Commit to your son, to other fathers and sons; commit to the fatherless.
Teach Christ-centered manhood to the boys on the team, in the troop, at the school or at church. Or … create a formalized mentoring program that rivals (if not surpasses) your best project at work.
Then execute!
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